


Tidal Waves

by magicspills



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Heartbreak, I am so sorry for the tears, M/M, snowbaz summer extravaganza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 11:17:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicspills/pseuds/magicspills
Summary: Summer is meant to enjoy the warm air, the sunshine and the beach. But summer is nothing more than a reminder of a bad breakup.





	Tidal Waves

**Author's Note:**

> huge, huge, HUGE thank you to snowbaz summer extravaganza for allowing me to participate in this event! It was so fun and I can't thank you enough!
> 
> Another HUGE, HUGE thanks to @its-okay-that-ur-not (CJ i love you!) on tumblr for the beta read!! Follow this lovely gal, please!
> 
> without further ado, happy reading!

Inhale, exhale.

I step out, a wave of warm air brushes over my face and I feel the pain begin to circulate in my veins.

It's all too hard. 

Perhaps I thought Baz was perfection, the embodiment of all things wonderful, no flaws and no mistakes. And perhaps he was, if not for the twist of events I hadn’t expected. On a night of sorrow and lack of comfort. I had wished for that soft sigh, with pale arms embracing me. I cried for a false sense of security, to feel alright for just one night. I got the opposite.

A slam of the door and he was gone, the result of begging and sobbing and how profound the situation was. I never knew why I expected him to stay. With the weight of his world and my own on his small shoulders, I felt horrible that Baz came to begrudgingly accept such a burden, and I asked myself again how I could’ve placed such a responsibility on him. I waited, sat and watched time disappear, all with the hope he’d come back. He didn’t.

Reminiscent, that’s how I was, and I longed for the blended mornings that mixed with the nights, days of soft brushes and slight kisses. Nostalgic of the past, but unable to return.

If only I could’ve followed instructions, if only I could’ve listened, if only I could’ve been better, if only I could’ve looked beautiful, if only-

──

Inhale, exhale.

The slow breath he took, and let out, a puff of air and then nothing at all.

While the blithering sun shone through the window, a light fairy breeze fluttered through the gaps in the curtains. Warm air washed over their warm bodies, they laid together on a stiff bed, with blankets kicked away and bunched up around them, and the dimmed light from the swaying white curtains making the scene almost magical.

The shorter, of the two turned to the side, hardly stretching before glancing back at the taller one.

That same voice, like honey, spoke out quietly, continuing their previous conversation, which only consisted of well-structured questions. More like an interview than an actual conversation really.

“Well, what do you believe your future holds?”

A half-attempted laugh sounded out, and he couldn’t help but ask, “What does that even mean, Baz?”

Baz, with hair like raven feathers, replied with an unwavering tone.

“Ten years, Snow. Where do you see yourself in ten years?”

And Simon Snow with bronze colored curls and a carefree attitude, responded with a smile.

“Anywhere with you, Baz.”

And they exchanged ‘I love you's’ and soon, the sun fell from the sky to rest and the moon rose ready for the night ahead, the covers were pulled over the two lovers, words exchanged few and far in between. A single kiss on the lips, a connection of thick and thin, and they fell asleep beside one another.

Simon would come to miss that reassuring voice saved only for him in private times, and would come to regret his response.

Simple words brought happiness to him; and yet, with the peace that followed, why couldn’t he calm down?

──

Inhale, exhale.

Even and timed intakes, let out every few seconds; my remedy for relaxing.

The bitter aftertaste of arguing was left in the back of my throat, suffocating me with helplessness and unwanted anger. I never had enough to fight with, and no intentions of fighting in the first place, and that left me vulnerable. He took advantage of that, with a swift tongue and wrath stored inside.

Fearful, a feeling I had yet to be accustomed to, and perhaps that was a positive thing. Disagreements weren’t uncommon, but I still couldn't get used to it. 

Normalcy, a deep desire of mine that I never said out loud. We’re normal enough, was the counter argument; yes, we’re normal enough , but are we completely so ? No we're not. Not by a long shot. 

Tears, crystalline with the contact of the harsh and low temperatures, courtesy of the wintertime season, slipped from the corners of my eyes, one or two at most and then all at once. That was the end of our little dispute, his resolve cracking with urgency, the need to console, and we both apologized with watery eyes and offered smiles.

Promises were exchanged, alongside fluttering touches; a stroke of my nose, a quick tousling of my curls. I swear to never get to this point again, and I broke down into sniffles at the sincerity it held.

Arms tight around my narrow waist, he curled into me, and I smiled, enjoying the closeness. He slept soundlessly, while I stayed awake, desperate for this to last, to take the moment in and hold it forever.

Except forever doesn't exist. 

And with that, a haze clouding my mind and my eyes unable to stay open, I fell asleep, into that senseless unconsciousness with a hint of doubt clouding. My breath hitched before I made a noise indicating I was content, and drifted back off.

What if I hadn’t met the love of my life, what if I hadn’t spoken and continued the beginning of our downfall, what if I hadn’t cried and stopped it all, what if he hadn’t stopped, what if-

──

Inhale, exhale.

A laboring task, to control such breaths so they didn’t get out of hand; fog released and evaporating as he blew out the air in his lungs.

Simon let out a sigh of relief, stepping out onto his balcony and letting the sun's warm rays embrace him in a hug and kiss his tawny golden and speckled skin. He closed his eyes, enjoying whatever summer threw at him when he felt two arms wrap around his waist. 

In the summer you have the option to wear a shirt or not. Simon almost never wears a shirt, leaving Baz to suffer.

He twirled around with a smile, and looked at Baz, who's facial expression is less than delighted to be in the blazing, flaming sun. 

“Baz,” Simon said with a content sigh escaping from his pink lips.

Baz didn't say anything, he nuzzled his nose in the crook of Simon's neck, inhaling his indescribable, intoxicating scent that is simply Simon. A scent so sweet, and warm that it made Baz’s heart melt.

“Simon,” Baz said. His voice coated thickly with endearment this time, instead of the low, quiet tone he always had.

Choosing to disregard the lack of formalities, as he usually did, he shyly gestured to his surroundings in a vague wave. Baz scoffed quietly, which only dampened his mood slightly.

Simon could tell Baz despised this time of year, the season of scorching sun and excessive heat; and while that may be true, Simon couldn’t help but appreciate the beauty of it all. Flowers glowing brighter than ever, people out and about, enjoying the warmth and fun surrounding them. It was truly astounding.

Baz found distaste in the bright sunny days, and Simon enjoyed the summer. It's warmth, and beauty.

“I love summer,” he said in awe, gazing around in fascination as he shifted swiftly on his feet. He was standing on the balcony of their apartment, overlooking London.

Baz looked at his boyfriend with a smile, with hair as black as his last name; pitch.

Simon turned his head back to look at his boyfriend and smiled. Baz never loved summer as much as Simon.

“Sunny days that never seem to end, days at the beach,” Simon said with a smile. “I can just feel the sand in between my toes, and trying to escape the blazing heat by eating a couple ice cream cones here and there.” Simon smiled and closed his eyes. 

It’s always sunshine with Simon.

Baz couldn’t stop himself and kissed Simon’s temple and said softly, “No sun is brighter than your smile, Snow.”

He paused, shrugging it off like it was the easiest thing to say, while Simon was taken aback, caught off guard by such a response; he never knew Baz to be poetic. And it caught him off guard to say such things.

Simon breathed out a laugh and wiped away a thin sheet of sweat from his forehead. The traffic below them, from the balcony was dying down as the sun began to get more and more dim. Getting ready for rest.

Baz rested his chin on Simon’s shoulder, his warmth radiating through Baz’s thin, soft grey shirt. He pressed small, feather-like kisses along every mole along Simon’s neck. He smiled a satisfying grin when he felt the bronze curled adonis shiver underneath him.

“You’re summer itself, Snow,” Baz whispered softly, his breath tickling Simon’s ear. “You’re everything you just mentioned all wrapped up into one beautiful soul.”

Simon, left speechless and surprised, almost forgot to breathe.

──

Inhale, exhale.

I drew a breath in, held it, and then released it. A pattern to stay alive, one that I still followed, even after everything that happened.

Silence, the ringing in my ears making up for the lack of noise in our apartment. A pleasant silence filled the room, accompanied by the singing birds and light breeze from my open window. I close my eyes, trying to push away the painful memories that still haunt me.

Peace was all I wanted. It was what I thrived off of, I didn’t need money, or a fancy car, I just wanted to be able to walk around without holding my breath. The peace I got from Penelope, and Micah, and Agatha was enjoyable enough, but it wasn’t what I needed. I needed peace between Baz and only us. For awhile, I got it, I had it, and I cherished it but as time went by, we began to grow distant.

Suddenly, it was more war than peace.

We had both felt lonely, unwanted, a mutual feeling between us. An emotion that brought us closer for the nine months we had been together, nearing the tenth with the passing of summer. Perhaps, it all wasn’t enough.

Regret is what drowns my subconscious, like a sailor lost at sea, all because I thought selfishly. Guilt that dug deep inside and became one with me, because I was insensitive. But couldn’t the same be said for him? He wasn’t any better. In fact, he was worse.

No.

We were both horrible.

Time, that’s what I needed. Time to go back and tidy up our start, savour and weep over our middle, and fix our present. Time to reflect on what love truly meant to me, and if I had fallen too far for him. Time to leave, and with enough time left over to come back. Back to us, and away from all the negative.

And perhaps things had begun to take a turn for the better, away from restless sleep and sorrow, changing instead to love-struck hearts. We had begun smiling more, laughing more, and sharing more kisses. That’s when his obsession and need for touch played in, and I had no problem allowing myself to be prodded. It satisfied my need for affection.

Perhaps everything would’ve stayed like that, but as the end of summer neared, everything began tumbling down, and that made me fall into a fit of despair.

Could I have prevented this, could I have confronted all the problems before they spiraled out of control, could I have ended all doubt within my partner and I, could I get away with pinning the blame solely on myself, what more could I have done?

──

Inhale, exhale.

How dependent he was on Baz, having him come up with methods to help him calm down from the panic that takes over his body from time to time. Baz would stand there in front of him, his hands in front of Simon’s face, counting Baz’s pale, slender fingers to steady his breathing.

And it worked. It always worked.

Water washed over their feet as they walked along the sand of the beach. Today they didn’t spend their afternoon cooped up in the confines of their apartment, instead they rolled up the legs of their pants and walked along the shore of the beach on a particularly hot summer day.

As they walked, Simon paused every minute or so to admire the green and blue hues of the clear, ocean water. Enjoying the feel of the sand beneath his feet, and occasionally bending down to pick up and admire a lonesome seashell. He loved it, positively adored nature and anything beautiful. 

Baz took his hand, clasping and entwining their fingers together, and pulled him along gently. Simon made a noise of protest, wanting to further observe the shimmer of the ocean’s surface that looked remarkably like diamonds. That elicited a short laugh from Baz, and Simon looked up curiously.

“You don’t have to look so confused, Snow, it’s only the two of us here,” Baz taunted, meaning no harm by the comment, a smile on his usually still face, and Simon stared, eyes filled with curiosity. He didn’t ask any questions.

“Come on, let’s hurry along,” Baz offered, looking almost unnaturally joyous, and Simon followed, enjoying the unwavering atmosphere among them.

And when Simon caught the lasting effects of that smile still on Baz’s face, he couldn’t help but return it as swiftly as possible. It had been a while since he had seen or heard Baz express any form of cheerfulness.

Simon, unnerved a little at the change, continued to look up and around at all the sights the world had to offer that mid afternoon. The fresh saltiness of the ocean, the muffled chatter of the people on the beach, talking and laughing. The sight of people splashing and swimming in the cool pools of water. It was like something from out of a movie.

“Summer isn’t half bad,” Baz said, “I’m beginning to see the beauty behind the scorching sun and unbearable heat .” 

Looking at Simon slightly, he continued, “I know I said this before, but you are almost like summer.”

“Mind refreshing my memory?” Simon said, chuckling in disbelief.

“Well, you’re very lively and lovely. You are very pretty, and you’ve bloomed into an astonishing rose during the time we’ve spent together, and you’re like the sun, ready to burn me at any moment.”

Simon let out a loud laugh, using his hand to muffle his giggles, he looked at Baz with a smile and leaned up to place a light, lingering kiss on Baz’s lips.

“You’re such a sap, Baz,” he said with a smile on his face.

Simon paused, before voicing out any questions he had kept inside.

“What’s with this new attitude?” Simon asked playfully, hoping to get an answer.

Baz stopped walking, turning to Simon with this look , something he couldn’t describe, and it was different, but he wanted more of it.

“I want to fix everything,” he mumbled, glancing at Simon before swallowing, almost nervous. “I’m so sorry for how I’ve acted towards you in the past, and I want this day, in the middle of a beautiful season, to mark a new start of us, to turn another page. I want to make everything better.”

Simon’s heartbeat quickened with that confession, reduced to tears in only a few seconds, and he quickly embraced Baz, who wasn’t expecting such a reaction.

“I’ve waited so long to hear you say that,” he whispered into Baz’s ear, pulling back and leaning forward to capture his lips in a chaste kiss.

They pulled back, almost shyly (but not quite), and laughed with a fond smile on both their faces.

As they walked back, Baz running his hand through his black hair and then ruffling Simon’s bronze curls, letting the soft stands just glide through his pale fingers. Simon felt that sense of peace that he had asked for since the beginning.

Everything was finally okay, and suddenly Simon found it easier, almost like second-nature, to just breathe, to-

──

Inhale, exhale.

Nothing lasts forever. That’s what I had reminded myself of every day, from the moment I had experienced emotional pain to the minute he and I had gotten together. Perhaps it was so I wouldn’t be let down, or perhaps it was a way that I could reassure myself that nothing was my fault, and it was simply time for that precious moment to end. It had worked, and I hadn’t given anything a second thought, until the first month of our relationship.

I wanted it to last forever, but that seemed almost impossible. But I found something along the way.

Hope, what I had denied myself for most of my life. Hope was just a belief, a method of foolishness, I had reminded myself, and yet I still desired it. I hoped that we would work out. I hoped that the end would never arrive. I was hopelessly hopeful, and hopefully hopeless, and it was a painful process that I chastised myself for getting involved in.

As the sunshine grew stronger, a burning heat I could practically bathe in, I found that I much preferred both sides of the bed occupied. I wanted so badly to share the summer warmth with another body. Perhaps the empty spot brought a soothing coolness, but even with temperature I still felt frigid.

Normalcy, something I had wanted with him, that I had gotten frustrated for not achieving, and yet without him nothing was normal; correction, it was too normal. Nothing was noteworthy, nothing was special. And it was lonely.

Funny, isn’t it? I almost deserved it. He had felt like this, hadn’t he? I wasn’t the cure to his mentality of solitude, and he had been the cure to mine. Now, he was gone, and I was left with the feeling of isolation, while he was probably with someone who made him feel welcome. I deserved it, more than anything.

Hurt. That’s the only thing I could register.

He was winter, the raw and biting temperatures of the barren world, and I was merely summer, cute and wondrous and full of the promise of new life. How could I have sustained something as threatening as his wintry personality? Winter is the death of all progress spring made; it was almost as if Baz killed everything I had tried to be, from the beginning and even the end. In a way, I suppose he did.

Empty promises, just like the empty space in my bed, my life, and my heart. He gave his word, swore and then lied. Or perhaps I had given up too quickly. Perhaps I hadn’t allowed him to fulfill those promises, and with that thought I felt worse.

He left, just like that, speed matching the racing of my heart.

Him and I used to be ‘us,’ we were a duo, two lovers with the world against us, but no matter the struggles we’d always make it out with one another. Now I’m just me, and he’s just him.

“I don’t feel special,” I told him.

“You’re not special,” he shouted at me, and right as my heart began to sink, right as all my fears were about to be confirmed by the one closest to me-

“You’re unique, and that’s why I love you!”

He always managed to surprise me, after all.

Love, something I had pondered for a while. An addictive emotion, something I needed once, I didn’t have a constant supply of it. Now, I’m stuck wondering if it truly is a blessing to find love.

He said it first, ‘love,’ and I didn’t say it back. I was too scared, terrified of what would happen if I opened my mouth. He saw the hesitation, as he always did, with how perceptive he was, and understood. I thought he did, at least. He must’ve been mistaken, because I did love him, I loved him too much and to the point where I couldn’t bear it anymore. He left, with the conclusion that I didn't love him. That I never loved him. 

But I did. 

And now he'll never know.

That was the end. And it was all my fault.

Where was the encouraging yet fake tone he used to end all my worries? Where was his conflicting mood, where he would leave only to come back because he missed me? I preferred a withdrawn Baz as opposed to not having a Baz in the first place.

And that was that.

Baz Pitch, the mysterious man I had fallen in love with, the person who broke my heart and left me, and I still couldn’t help but forgive him.

Exasperation, that’s what I felt right now. Thinking back, it suddenly became hard to breathe. But that was quite alright. I didn’t deserve to breathe, I didn’t want to breathe, I just wanted to let the darkness overtake me.

‘Only if,’ ‘what if,’ ‘could I’; those were only destructive questions I had asked myself to focus on for the lack of noise in my life. Something to wonder over.

The one I’m asking myself now is: would I have done anything different?

The answer is that there is no answer. I don’t know what I would have done differently. Or have done anything at all.

And yet, as if all my efforts were meant to fail from the start, I still find myself following his advice, and I can still feel how gently he’d touch my arm or face, caress my back and make me feel loved. He fooled me into thinking we had shared something memorable, and I think he fooled himself as well.

──

Inhale, exhale.

Suffocating, that’s how Simon feels. Without his lifeline, without his lover, he feels like he’s drowning in nothing.

Standing on the balcony of his apartment, leaning against the railing as he stared out at the city bathed in night. He breathed in the summer air. Though it may be summer, it was nearing the end of the season and the transition from summer to fall was happening and it was slowly beginning to turn cold.

His fingers twitched, yearning for something to hold, to steady them before they could begin to shake. He smiled at the thought; Baz’s hand was the first image that came to mind, slim pale fingers entwined with his. Always a perfect match and welcomed with wide smiles. But, as he dismissed the idea of Baz, Simon imagined something else lodged between his index and middle finger: a cigarette. 

Baz had smoked an unhealthy amount prior to their relationship, if smoking wasn’t terrible enough on its own, and had only quit the addictive habit when a close friend of his had implored him to stop, putting his large convincing eyes and jutted out lip and any other trait of his to use. It had worked, with Baz being easily swayed by certain people, and he had been clean for at least half a year before they met.

It was something Baz warned him of; smoking, that was. How it would push you away with every intake, and how it never failed to bring you back in with every exhale.

The notion seemed inviting enough, too much in fact, that Simon began to backtrack.

With that secret desire stored away in his mind for another time, because he couldn’t quite bring himself to dwell on the meaningless and sudden craving, he opted to pressing those two fingers together and tapping them against the rusted barrier.

He sighed into the starless twilight, giggling at how absurd he was.

Truth be told, which seemed to be lacking a lot in his private life, he missed Baz’s cold clipped tones. He missed having another voice in his life, missed that pitying sound only he could hear, he lived such a useless life. He laughed even louder.

How Baz saw Simon as someone beneath his status, someone in need of catering because they couldn’t fend for themselves. It wasn’t true, he hadn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to think it was even in the slightest bit honest, because he could take care of himself, and Simon wasn’t in need of anyone loitering over him. He chose to ignore how he had fallen apart in the few months after their departure.

But, it wasn’t like Baz was without imperfections, because he was, even with the air of superiority he gave off, and Simon had plenty of proof to back up his claims.

Anger surged through Simon, because how could he be so foolish to give himself away and expect anything in return? Hands clenched into fists, he brought them down hard on the metal banister, and shouted into the warm air.

“I hope you’re happy! Look what you’ve done! You’ve ruined me! Are you satisfied enough?! Have I pleased you enough by being reduced to this mess?!”

The dull thud of discomfort radiated from his hands, a liquid dripping down slowly from the creases of his fingers. A metallic scent reached his nose, and he turned his head away to evade the intruding smell.

The pain flared up, his brain registering it, and Simon gasped and bit down hard on his lower lip to muffle anymore noises he’d make. A droplet slid down from his chin to the concrete of the ledge, with the same consistency and aroma as the puddle around his fist. He loosened the pressure his teeth had against his plush bottom lip.

He took a few breaths, calming himself down.

“I’m unique and he loves me,” Simon muttered, mood lowering significantly as he tried to hold back tears from escaping his eyes, like raindrops from a humdrum sky.

“How could I have believed him?”

With too much emotion running through him, Simon stepped back from where he was pressed against the edge, giving the sleeping city one last longing look before he turned his back. He opened the glass sliding door, twisting the handle and locking it as he entered the main room of his home.

He didn’t spare the night another glance before slipping his shoes off and setting them neatly by the entrance, walking along the tile, leading to the bathroom, where he would perform his bedtime routine before going to bed.

The first thing he registered as he pushed open the bathroom door was how chilly it was. He flipped the light switch, watching for only a second as the ceiling light flickered on and off before settling on the former. He noticed the open window, connecting it to the temperature, before huffing and continuing.

The mirror was covered in a single layer of dust and he continued to wipe away the dirt, catching a glimpse of himself, and reeled back.

How did he manage to stoop this low?

Sunken eyes, dull hair, dry face; he was supposed to be beautiful in Baz’s eyes.

Did he lie about that too?

As he expected, he felt his eyes well up with tears and slowly felt himself being to unravel.

“Do you miss me?” he voiced as he began to fall to against the cool tiles of the bathroom floor. “What were you thinking?”

“Are you happy with the way we ended?”

Harmless questions at first.

“Was I ever good enough? I suppose you deserve someone better, and I don’t mind living like this. Are you okay? I am. Did you even love me? Was our relationship some intricate plan to hurt me? Did you want to succeed? Because you did.”

“You were my only reason to live well, so why should I continue on when I have nothing?”

As everything left him, he stood up from the bathroom floor. It saddened him at how horrible his circumstance was, and he erased everything from his mind.

He took one last look at the sink, then at his facial products, and decided that today he didn’t need to ensure he maintained his gold tawny skin. Every handsome aspect of him was lost anyway, so what was the point?

He exited the bathroom, and walked down the hall.

Picture frames, intact and strung up on wall in abstract patterns, retold their story. From the spur-of-the-moment picture Simon had nervously asked for on their first date, to them comfortable around each other, looking like they were made for each other.

Simon had tried to set aside time to take them down, because he didn’t want to relive everything with the newfound realization of how fake everything was, from the tone Baz used on him to every kiss and ‘I love you.’

He managed to make it to his room, exhausted from the lack of sleep, as the week had stressed him out, and lifted the covers before slipping under the heavy comforter. The smell of cedar and bergamot Baz had applied in the morning that lasted through the night still clung to the fabric, into the pillowcases and bed sheets, and no matter how many times Simon washed and re-washed the bundles of cloth in fruitless attempts to rid them of the scent, it never seemed to leave. It was almost as if Baz was unintentionally haunting him. He was surrounded by the mixture of cedar and bergamot, and he knew it was wrong of him, but he just wanted to stay like this, soaking up the past and trying to remember every action they performed.

He missed him dearly, and it was ruining him from the inside out.

He wished for Baz’s arm around his waist, his chest pressed against his back. He missed everything they had; the good and the bad times, and maybe he treasured the latter too much, but it showed how far they had grown before it had all fallen apart.

As he fell asleep, the erratic rise and fall of his chest evening out, only one thought was on his mind:

Does he miss me too?

Inhale, exhale.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize.


End file.
